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TikTok users in the U.S. claimed they were unable to write the word “Epstein” in messages, fueling accusations that the social media platform is suppressing content. What do you think?

“Man, I picked the wrong name for my cat.”

Lydia Gates, Parade Router

---

“Good. Kids should have to go outside to talk about Epstein.”

Aiden Kapila, Catapult Engineer

---

“Even compliments?”

Todd Singletary, Systems Analyst

The post TikTok Blocks Mentions Of Jeffrey Epstein appeared first on The Onion.

The post New Sydney Sweeney Lingerie Line Will Accommodate Sizes Humungo Through Awooga appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON—In an address touting the practice as a completely drug-free method to relieve the common affliction, Secretary of Health and Human Services Robert F. Kennedy Jr. demonstrated Thursday how to remove a tapeworm by scooting one’s ass across carpet. “Doctors won’t tell you this, but you don’t need medication for a tapeworm—all you need is the natural power of friction,” Kennedy said as he dropped to the floor, lifted his legs high, and dragged his ass along the White House carpet during a press conference. “Big pharma will urge you to paralyze the tapeworm with dangerous, addictive drugs we don’t know anything about, but they just want to keep you infected with tapeworms so you become dependent on them. Just raise your legs to make sure your anus comes in direct contact with the carpet, then use your arms to propel yourself forward. It’s the natural way people used to get rid of tapeworms back in the ’60s and ’70s before the health-industrial complex corrupted everything. I’ve been doing it every week for years to take care of my constant anal swelling.” Kennedy added that peer-reviewed scientific journals have been involved in a massive conspiracy to cover up his research on ass-scooting and have constantly rejected all the photos he’s sent them proving it works.

The post RFK Jr. Demonstrates How To Remove Tapeworm By Scooting Ass Across Carpet appeared first on The Onion.

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U.S. — A new report out of Harvard University indicated that zucchini actually isn't that bad after covering it with flour or cornmeal and a lot of seasoning and frying all the taste out of it in hot oil.

U.S. — Self-proclaimed journalist Don Lemon was arrested on Friday for allegedly raiding a church service and intimidating its congregation, prompting experts to warn that such actions taken by the DOJ could be a slippery slope that leads to arresting politicians and other people who deserve it.

LOS ANGELES, CA — A movie studio with access to the entire collected works of humanity for use in its film adaptations reportedly opted to make yet another Spider-Man movie instead, sources revealed.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a surprise choice to succeed Jerome Powell when his term expired in the spring, President Donald Trump nominated an unknown Spanish economist named Ronaldo Paulino as chairman of the Federal Reserve.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — A study from the National Academies of Sciences, Engineering, and Medicine (NASEM) confirmed on Friday that everyone is doing a great job parenting, and you're the only one having problems with your kids.

The Trump administration has avoided accountability for the disaster unfolding in Minneapolis at every turn. But now, it looks like the fallout has reached a level that’s forcing them to restrategize: President Trump is now urgently reminding everyone that he is in the Epstein files to distract from ICE murdering U.S. citizens. 

Wow, Trump has totally reversed course here…this is the move of someone who knows they’ve backed themselves into a corner.

In an attempt to draw the public’s attention away from the murders of Renee Good and Alex Pretti by ICE agents, as well as his own insensitive, dishonest, and widely-criticized handling of the situation, President Trump has begun flooding the press and social media with reminders that he is more implicated in the Epstein files than anyone outside of Jeffrey Epstein himself. Earlier today, when addressing White House press, Trump brought out an easel with large blown up photos of the lewd birthday card—in which he referred to the pedophile financier as a “pal”—that he personally drew for Epstein, and scolded reporters for asking about Minneapolis “when there’s all this damning evidence that [I] partook in sex with minors human trafficked by Epstein.”

“You’re talking to a literal pedophile right now, and you’re asking about Minneapolis? You’re still asking about that? So typical of the fake news media to talk about ICE’s wanton use of deadly force when I’m showing you mountains of proof that I was best friends with, and an accomplice of, THE Jeffrey Epstein, who was, and is, a horrible rapist of children, just like me,” Trump berated one reporter. “If you think deploying an army of untrained, masked federal agents with qualified immunity to terrorize and kill unarmed Americans is a big deal, that anyone cares about except left-wing nutjobs, you’re not a very smart person. My name is all over the Epstein files. I’m almost the main character in them. And you want me to talk about Minne-whatever it’s called? Don’t waste my time.”

As expected, Kristi Noem and Stephen Miller followed their boss in lockstep, making Trump’s relationship with Jeffrey Epstein a primary talking point in response to public outrage over ICE’s growing reputation for killing anyone over anything they want without consequence. Both Noem and Miller are deflecting all inquiries into why President Trump is pushing a narrative that contradicts direct video evidence of Alex Pretti’s death with demands to know why the media isn’t referring to President Trump and Jeffrey Epstein as “the Luigi and Mario of raping minors.”

Suffice it to say, the Trump administration is in full damage control mode right now, and they’re using every deflection tactic in his playbook. 

President Trump is clearly sweating the backlash he’s receiving over Minneapolis, and he’s doing everything he can to shift the national conversation towards the lengthy paper trail of evidence that he was a pedophilic eskimo brother of Jeffrey Epstein. Only time will tell if Trump can shake off the blowback of ICE’s extrajudicial killings. Until then, you can expect to hear a whole lot more about the Epstein files from 47.

Nothing’s harder to watch than an older person desperate to look cool to younger people, and this might be the most egregious example we’ve ever seen: This woman is trying to seem hip to her daughter by wearing a shirt featuring a big bedazzled R-word. 

Yikes. ‘How do you do, fellow kids?’ much?

Durham, NC, resident Patricia Wilson, 53, is putting on a masterclass in cringe for all the girls at her daughter Sabrina’s sleepover by wearing a t-shirt with a massive, glittery R-word on it, apparently under the impression that using the ableist slur is ‘in’ among today’s youth. After hearing about how the R-word has become re-normalized, now regularly employed on the Internet and by influential celebrities like Joe Rogan and Elon Musk, Patricia saw the slur as an opportunity to connect with her 14-year-old daughter and decided to make the bedazzled R-word shirt herself. Despite her good intentions, the sparkling R-word shirt has only been met with eye rolls by her daughter and her friends, who Patricia later overheard whispering about how “sad” it is for “an old lady to dress like an edgelord e-girl” and declaring the R-word “so over.”

“Is my [R-word] shirt giving snatched or what, fam? Momma [R-word] is highkey mogging in this fit, mm-mmm,” Patricia said to the girls, who just exchanged dirty looks and ignored Patricia’s offer to make them R-word shirts too. “Don’t leave me on read after I dropped my guap on pizza for y’all [R-words]. Sabrina, you can take a seat with that skibidi camp side eye, m’kay little miss [R-word]? Quit acting delulu or this slaycation’s over. I’ll send the baes home. Bet. Well, I’ll let you [R-words] cook. Don’t sleep on bedtime. Lights out at 11.”

What an absolute trainwreck. Please, please, please, just act your age…

If Patricia’s goal with her bedazzled [R-word] shirt was to win her daughter’s favor, she failed, to say the least. On the bright side, people opposed to the R-word’s return to the mainstream might have a reason to celebrate here, because try-hard parents like Patricia are about to make it uncool all over again.

If you’re a Costco member, get ready for your life to finally become perfect, because your shopping experience is about to be taken to a whole new level of excitement: Costco just announced that the people offering free samples are allowed to scare you now!

Hell yes! It’s so awesome to see a company that’s willing to go above and beyond to thrill their customers!

Starting this week, Costco shoppers can expect anyone handing out free samples in any of the company’s wholesale facilities to do anything in their power to absolutely terrify customers. The company says that they have given these employees free reign to experiment with how they would like to scare the people who come up to them to try pieces of cake or bao, and that nothing will be considered against store policy, from elaborate costumes to sudden ambushes.

Although the program is relatively new, many Costco members are already saying that getting scared by the people offering them free samples has completely elevated their shopping experience.

“The person who gave me free meatballs at Costco yesterday threatened me with a huge knife!” one delighted customer posted on the Costco subreddit yesterday. “She kept saying she was going to murder me, and she somehow knew my name and where I lived! I was so scared, and it made the meatballs taste better.”

The original poster wasn’t alone. Dozens of Costco shoppers have reported amazing experiences getting terrified by the people offering samples.

“I went to take a small smoothie from a tray of tree samples and a man dressed as Frankenstein jumped out from behind a stack of boxes and started chasing me around,” another customer wrote in the same thread. “He kept saying he was going to eat me, and I believed him! It’s so awesome that Costco is finally exciting.”

This is amazing! It’s so refreshing to see a corporation take responsibility for how boring their stores are and take action to make them more interesting. We can’t wait to visit Costco and get really scared by all the awesome tricks and frights the employees have cooked up around the sample tables. Other companies take note: this is how you create the ultimate shopping experience!

CONTENT WARNING: ARTICLE DISCUSSES FAILURES OF AUSTIN BUTLER, POOR MANNERS, AND HENTAI.

Austin Butler fans may want to sit down for this one, because the following is not going to be easy to hear: Austin Butler has failed his cotillion class.

Noooo! This is just so, so sad.

Although The Mary Richards School of Etiquette in Atlanta, GA teaches cotillion classes for kids aged 11-13, 34-year-old Austin Butler recently enrolled in the six-week course, apparently looking to refine his manners and dancing skills. Though the actor is known for going method, his reps confirm this was not related to a role in any way whatsoever, making it all the more tragic that, according to teacher Mary Richards, Austin is the only student she’s ever had to fail.

As stated on the Certificate of Failure that Austin received at the end of the course, the Elvis actor was completely unable to master basic tenets of poise, etiquette, and social norms. Although teacher Mary Richards explained that it’s not even the type of class you can fail, citing that “it’s really just something you pay for and then complete,” she was left with no choice but to withhold Austin’s Certificate of Completion based on his poor performance. Austin’s failures included: “an inability to use proper silverware (he insisted on eating with two knives, like chopsticks, when a simple fork would do), a refusal to say please and thank you (during the lesson on writing thank you cards he declined to do anything but draw Tweety Bird hentai), and a failure to even learn to button up a shirt (he just couldn’t do it).”

Yiiiiiikes. This is not a good look for Austin!

Sources say that Austin took the news pretty hard. While the rest of his classmates celebrated the completion of their cotillion class with a ball where they showed off their foxtrots to parents and chaperones, Butler reportedly spent the evening watching from the window, crying softly and sadly drawing some hentai, which teacher Mary Richards believes was Austin’s way of writing an apology card.

Just heartbreaking.

Honestly, it’s quite upsetting that Austin Butler couldn’t figure this one out. But Austin, if you’re out there reading this, know that we believe in you. Dig deep, work hard, and trust in yourself. With faith in God, anything is possible, even passing your cotillion class!

As if The Pitt wasn’t brilliant enough already, its lead actor has confirmed the show’s sophomore season is upping the ante in a way that’s bound to cement its status as the greatest medical drama of all time: Noah Wyle just announced this season will feature the doctors racing against time to give a busload of 5’8” guys emergency leg lengthening surgery.

Wow, The Pitt simply cannot stop outdoing itself! Check on the Dr. Robby stan in your life, because they are probably doing backflips over this news!

Yesterday, Noah Wyle took to Instagram to reveal that the climax of The Pitt’s second season will see the E.R.’s staff pushed to their limits when a bus arrives at the hospital to drop off over three dozen 5’8” men in need of emergency leg lengthening surgery. Check it out below: 

We have chills already! The cold, hard realities of working in an E.R. sure make for amazing television!

We feel bad for whoever’s competing against The Pitt at the Emmys next year, because this show is about to win every single award. Here’s to Noah Wyle for this incredible sneak peek at what’s to come on TV’s best show!

Editor’s note: This is an opinion piece by Bradley K. Morrow, a Marine Corps veteran whose interests include security theory, gym culture, online patriotism, and constitutional law.

Since the shooting of Alex Pretti, I’ve been getting lots of questions about the “Come and Take Them” tattoo on my forearm, and I want to make something very clear: that tattoo is about my rights, not my guns. And though my font choice and the Spartan helmet next to it may seem intimidating, “come and take them” is meant in more of a flirty, consensual, “I bet you won’t, you big strong government” kind of way.

Even the ancient Spartans would agree. In fact, the quote “Molon Labe” was famously said by Gerard Butler in the historically accurate documentary 300, which was about fighting to keep immigrants out of your country. Not a rifle in sight.

Have I posted stuff on social media about guns before? Yeah, but that’s unrelated. Is my Instagram profile pic of me open-carrying an AR-15 in a Subway restaurant in 2021? Sure. But I was only doing that to show respect for law enforcement and my fellow citizens. In fact, if instead of turkey subs those sandwich artists had been serving up constitutionally protected dissent, I would’ve fully expected the cops to shoot me, and frankly I’d have understood.

It’s obvious we have too many rights in this country, and I’m not even talking about the dumb ones like allowing women to vote. Just skim the Bill of Rights sometime. Sure, freedom of speech sounds good — and I’m enjoying being able to call people gay retards at work again — but what if someone uses their freedom of speech to say mean things about law enforcement? You’re telling me someone can call ICE officers the Gestapo without being violently arrested?

That doesn’t sound like freedom to me, pal. That sounds like woke.

People aren’t even familiar with what their actual rights are anymore. The Second Amendment literally says you have the right to bear arms unless you are interfering with law enforcement doing their jobs. And by “their jobs” I mean pushing around random women and pepper-spraying them for saying the word ‘fascist.’

ICE officers have an incredibly hard job. All they hear is how no one respects them. And on top of that, they’re in constant danger arresting the worst of the worst criminals, plus anyone else they feel like at the time. Minneapolis is basically Fallujah right now. Do you know how many ICE officers have been killed? I assume it’s not zero, because that would be awkward for my argument.

AUSTIN, Texas — Penetrating Lead, a T-shirt company catering to the vetbro community, has unveiled a new line of “Shall Be Infringed” shirts, sources confirmed today.

The new shirts, which retail for $24.99 plus shipping, handling, and a quiet erosion of principles, feature illustrations of men kneeling and presenting their firearms beneath the phrase “Shall Be Infringed.” The apparel marks a departure from Penetrating Lead’s standard designs, which typically include no fewer than 37 American flags, rattlesnakes, or slogans such as “COMMUNISM IS FOR PUSSIES” emblazoned across the back. Other popular designs read “I didn’t go to Harvard, I went to IRAQ,” as if there were any doubt the wearer didn't go to Harvard.

“It’s important we stay current,” said Penetrating Lead CEO Jake “Pounder” Ponder. “Since our customers are true free thinking Americans — independent men whose political opinions are updated daily based on whatever the president just said.”

Other newly released shirts include such phrases as, “Please take it, daddy,” “Kick in my door, kidnap my family,” and “Shoot here, masked officer,” each printed over a regulation-size bullseye.

Many customers expressed excitement about the new line.

“I used to support the Second Amendment for white people, and, you know, the good ones,” said Herbert “Pussy Magnet” Johnson. “But now that the federal government — a trustworthy and never-abusive organization — says otherwise, I’m okay with that.”

“I’ve been screaming for years about how the federal government was going to come take our guns,” Cade “Blockade” Albert said. “But I was wrong. They’re going to tell us we can’t have them and I’ll be happy to hand mine over.”

Penetrating Lead is also planning additional designs openly opposed to the Bill of Rights, including “I won’t use my freedom to speak,” “Choke me to death in prison,” and “If he didn’t want to be arrested, he shouldn’t have been five years old,” which the company expects to be top sellers.

At press time, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth was spotted wearing one of Penetrating Lead’s “I’m on my knees for you, Mr. Policeman” shirts on the way to a botox appointment.

Opinion: I support the troops 100% as long as they agree 100% with my political views

By Doug Abernathy

Duffel BlogDuffel Blog Staff

Patriotic soldier loves America so much he’s plotting to overthrow it

“The Founding Fathers didn’t have Twitter, but if they did, they’d be tweeting exactly what I’m thinking.”

Duffel BlogDuffel Blog

TRUE PATRIOT! Local veteran supports whatever random thing Trump is doing in Middle East right now

Now THAT is a patriot! Unlike shiftless Democrats, Anders has stuck by President Trump through thick and thin.

Duffel BlogDuffel Blog Staff

8 Grunt Style T-shirts that scream ‘I can’t move on’

There’s one for every professional veteran.

Duffel BlogDuffel Blog Staff

Inside the race to design the douchiest Department of War t-shirt

Pete Hegseth demands designs that are ‘super fucking lethal.’

Duffel BlogTask Force Football Bat

SAN DIEGO, Calif. — Navy Information Systems Technician Chief Toby “Tobasco” McElhenny has been in the Navy for over 14 years, and in that time has accumulated plenty of résumé-friendly accomplishments: meeting three former presidents, visiting six continents, mentoring countless division officers, and being named Sailor of the Year twice. But McElhenny rarely mentions any of that.

Instead, the chief prefers to regale junior sailors with port-call stories and sea tales that routinely implicate him and several others in federal felonies and international crimes. 

“One time, we stuffed a J-girl in my buddy’s sea bag, kept her tucked away for about a month, and then dropped her off in the Philippines with just a few pesos pinned to her collar,” McElhenny said, laughing while recalling one deployment. “Good times. Old-time Navy. Can’t do that now.”

McElhenny was referring to a 2016 deployment to Seventh Fleet, a Pacific cruise that appears to implicate him in human trafficking, kidnapping, aggravated assault, and possibly murder. The woman’s age, condition, and continued existence remain unclear.

Despite this, sailors frequently approach McElhenny to hear his colorful stories and “learn more about the Navy.” One junior sailor, IT3 Cameron Civilotti, said he enjoys listening to the chief but has questions about the accuracy of the tales.

“Prostitution is illegal, so I really hope he’s joking about picking up hookers in Phuket,” Civilotti said. “And I really hope he was kidding when he said he accidentally ran over an old Greek woman in Souda Bay.”

Civilotti’s naïveté appears to amuse McElhenny, who insists that all of his stories are completely true. Civilotti, however, remains unconvinced.

“Chief cracks me up,” Civilotti said. “But if he did even half of what he talks about, I feel like I should call the police. Or the U.N.” Civilotti added, frantically Googling on his phone, “Is it too late to report something to Interpol?”

McElhenny maintains that his stories are verifiable but denies any wrongdoing, citing his multiple deployments and decorated service record as evidence of his moral character.

“I’ve deployed nine times in 14 years, so sue me if I want a little butter on my buns when we pull into port,” McElhenny said while taking his daily dose of Valtrex. “I don’t think that makes me the bad guy for wanting a little fun while defending freedom and democracy around the world.”

Civilotti said he is also disturbed by some of the less sensational stories McElhenny tells.

“Chief Tobasco once walked me through how easy it is to hack ATMs in Singapore,” Civilotti recalled. “Which I’m pretty sure is a serious cybercrime, but surely a senior enlisted member of the U.S. Navy wouldn’t break the law that casually. Right?”

US Navy commissions first openly-straight officer

“We are very proud of this milestone,” said Adm. Lisa Francetti.

Duffel BlogGray Sea Liu

Navy kicks off ‘Incel to Intel’ recruiting campaign

The service’s novel approach is to recruit technologically adept virgins into the intelligence community.

Duffel BlogGray Sea Liu

US Navy Adds Creative Writing Course To SEAL Training

Navy officials are adding a grueling 40 hours of creative writing classes to the already intense selection program.

Duffel BlogDuffel Blog Staff

Mustachioed Navy officer, obsessed with Japan and toe shoes, still single somehow

So weird.

Duffel BlogGray Sea Liu

Navy Praises Blue Digital Uniforms After Two Sailors Lost At Sea

SAN DIEGO, CA - In an announcement today at Naval Base San Diego, the commander of the US Pacific Fleet (COMPACFLT) remarked that he was extremely proud of the “versatility and usefulness of the Navy Working Uniform (NWU).” The uniform, which resembles the Marines’ desert and green colored digital MARPAT design, was introduced in 2008 amid controversy over its necessity for naval personnel.

Duffel BlogDuffel Blog Staff

DAVOS, Switzerland — President Donald Trump on Wednesday used his recently-acquired Nobel Peace Prize to bludgeon the prime minister of Denmark to death, sources confirmed today.

The killing occurred during a highly contentious meeting over the fate of Greenland between dozens of world leaders at the World Economic Forum in Davos, where the 79-year-old president reportedly lunged at Danish Prime Minister Mette Frederiksen and struck her repeatedly with a framed Peace Prize Trump had received earlier as a gift from Venezuelan opposition leader María Corina Machado.

“I’m getting Greenland, one way or the other,” Trump said while delivering sustained and methodical blows, bloodying the award typically granted “to the person who shall have done the most or the best work for fraternity between nations” over the past year. Indeed, Trump has worked tirelessly since his inauguration to bring much of the world together by uniting them in shared anger at the United States.

“I’m done thinking purely of peace,” Trump added, momentarily pausing to wipe blood from the frame with his tie and checking his reflection in the shattered glass before continuing.

The unprecedented murder of a world leader at the hands of another followed weeks of Trump threatening to use military force to take “complete and total control of Greenland.” According to White House sources, the president views ownership of the island as strategically essential, aesthetically pleasing, and extremely helpful in distracting from the Epstein files.

"See? I promised I wouldn't use military force," Trump said as he caught his breath. "Tell Rubio that I just stopped another war. Add it to the list."

In the immediate aftermath, Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent urged stunned European leaders to remain calm.

“Sit back, take a deep breath, do not retaliate, do not retaliate,” Bessent said, while aides quietly removed shards of glass and wood fragments from the floor.

Saudi crown prince gifts Trump solid gold bone saw

Kingdom’s sharp diplomatic gesture cuts through red tape and flesh

Duffel BlogW.E. Linde

Pentagon to prioritize EUCOM, INDOPACOM, AFRICOM, CENTCOM, SOUTHCOM, NORTHCOM

DoD pledges undivided attention to all six commands at once using math, magic, and PowerPoint

Duffel BlogDuffel Blog Staff

Trump gets Greenland in blockbuster three-way trade with Spain

Trade deadline shocker shakes up NATO division standings

Duffel BlogGrumpy

Top 10 countries Trump will send you to attack rather than release the Epstein files

White House sources say ‘bombing foreigners’ remains preferred transparency substitute

Duffel BlogKay Too Ess Ohhhhh

CENTCOM Commander can’t believe it’s not his problem for once

General Joseph Votel, head of Central Command (CENTCOM), was reportedly “stunned” and “more than a little relieved” when the attempted coup in Turkey on Friday happened outside of his Area of Responsibility.

Duffel BlogDuffel Blog Staff

FORT RILEY, Kan. — Fuck! You left your stupid I.D. card in your stupid computer. Experts confirm this will now cost you the rest of your day. You’ll have to walk all the way back upstairs to get the damned thing out of your office.

Oh great, there’s the XO. Don’t make eye contact. You made eye contact with him. He asks you about the Command and Staff brief and whether you have time to “just refactor” a few of the slides. You are now walking in the opposite direction of your I.D. card.

He wants the metrics displayed in a slightly different way that no one will notice, but which will almost certainly take several hours to change.

According to Outlook — which the Army forced you to install on your phone — this was the only 20 minutes you had to get lunch today, and it’s rapidly evaporating.

Not that you were terribly excited about getting a small Subway sandwich with grilled chicken. Height and weight is in a few weeks and you’re trying to drop the last few pounds because the Secretary of War has decided your personal BMI is a matter of national security.

Good gravy, now S-1 is asking you about overdue OERs. Can’t you just get a sandwich? Can’t you just get one sandwich without the United States Army falling apart?

You lie and say the OERs are “up at HQDA,” buying yourself a little time. A problem for later. You tell yourself that a lot.

The food court line won’t be that bad. You can still make it back before the training meeting. You’ll just have to drive a little faster than usual, which is fine, because consequences are theoretical.

Wait. Why is the water buffalo in the company lot? That water buffalo is supposed to be at Range 7. Why is it here? You ask Staff Sgt. Dylan Jones what’s going on.

“Sir, we never got this water buffalo certified,” he reports.

You remember, dimly, that water buffalos require certification. You ask what they’re doing for water at Range 7.

“We filled up some water cans that said non-potable on them,” Staff Sgt. Jones says. “So the Joes are good.”

Your eye starts to twitch. Staff Sgt. Jones, now apparently an expert in water buffalo certification, does not appear to know what “non-potable” means. You wish you hadn’t promised your wife you’d stop dipping. Also, it’s her birthday next week. Another problem for later.

You drive like a madman to the PX and grab cases of bottled water for Range 7. No personally owned vehicles on the range, so you’ll have to coordinate a JLTV or something. Your arms ache as you stand in line, questioning every decision you’ve ever made.

The cashier asks for your I.D. card before you can pay.

Fuck.

You left your I.D. card in your computer.

BREAKING: The Truck Carrying Your Household Goods Just Drove Off A Cliff

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_4jMLR4c71s

Duffel BlogDuffel Blog Staff

Outgoing Commander: ‘I Still Hate You All’

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LwiKBFyYBGQ&t=3s The following address was delivered by Capt. Vince Williams at his Headquarters Company change of command ceremony. Good morning everyone. I won’t start with our battalion motto because the very sound of it makes my stomach curdle and my jaw clench with an unholy rage.

Duffel BlogDuffel Blog Staff

Military websites undergo annual update to make them worse

“We’re working hard to make the SIPR sites you need the most confusing piles of shit imaginable,” an official said.

Duffel BlogRed Friday

US accidentally re-invades Iraq

Troops surprised to find old combat outposts still smell like Axe body spray

Duffel BlogDuffel Blog

Army establishes Virtue Signal Corps

The operational support branch is responsible for self-righteous, performative displays of arbitrary moral superiority across all domains of warfare.

Duffel BlogRoger Wilco

RAIL operators are horrified to learn the unreasonable, demanding f**kers who call themselves ‘passengers’ expect to use their services at weekends. 

Reasons given for Saturday and Sunday journeys were largely frivolous, including such fripperies as ‘going shopping’ or ‘to see friends’ rather than reasons which matter like ‘I must go to my job or I will be fired’.

Rail executive Martin Bishop said: “And what about if we want a break? We can’t have one because of your leisure travel? Hardly fair.

“After a tough five days not being that late, on average, we like to sit back and let the buses do the heavy lifting. It’s not like people are in a hurry when they’re off work, is it? The nine hour bus journey from Durham to Bath is an opportunity for mindfulness.

“We put on a couple of Saturday services for trainspotters and otherwise we baselessly claim engineering work. But apparently there’s a demand, and those people on the platforms aren’t taking down numbers but are a family from Kettering with tickets for Mamma Mia.

“I suppose we could add a couple, but don’t people enjoy the shite Sunday service for the sake of tradition? Like shops closing early or Songs of Praise? What are you having a long-distance relationship for, anyway? Rethink it.

“No, on the whole I think we’re more comfortable transporting you to places of misery because you have no option but to be there. We don’t want our commuters getting ideas.”

NICKI Minaj has become president Trump’s ‘number one fan’ after he gave her a gold card visa. Which celebrity will be next to embrace his decrepit reign?  

Norman Steele, actuary: “Nicki Minaj, the cartoon character?”

Helen Archer, phlebotomist: “Benedict Cumberbatch. For no other reason than I’ve always hated the f**ker and that will give me a solid justification.”

Grace Wood-Morris, visual display consultant: “Katy Perry. On the rebound.”

Wayne Hayes, firefighter: “Joseph James DiAngelo, the Golden State Killer responsible for at least 13 murders. Who’ll be given a full pardon and appear with Trump at a rally while confetti falls and the crowd goes wild.”

Emma Bradford, tattooist: “Tom Cruise, in his craziest, most death-defying stunt yet! Will his career survive?”

HOT honey – honey, but with chilli in – is the flavour of the moment. So would you therefore be justified in stripping naked and basting your genitalia in it? We find out: 

Hot honey? No, not a girl from one of the rap videos I used to watch circa 2005-2011, but the latest culinary sensation sweeping the nation. As in it’s over in London and just beginning to be heard of in Wales.

It adds a sweet-and-spicy kick to pepperoni pizza, is delicious for dipping nuggets, and adds a blast of warm ‘mmm’ to your margarita. It’s versatile, delectable and fun.

But if you’re anything like me, you’re already asking yourself: how can I apply this charismatic new condiment to the parts of me most sensitive to new thrills, my knackers?

Well, this isn’t like pulled pork where you just rub against it disappointingly, or CBD which so soothed my penile anxiety I was on the slack for a month though that may have been psychological.

No, when my partner and I – she’s game for anything – spread our legs wide and each squeezed a full bottle of hot honey down there, the initial feeling was one of stickiness. Then the bees truly began to buzz.

A burning sensation grew, reminding me of that time we both caught the clap in Croatia, and just kept building. ‘That’s the habanero,’ I croaked out as we fought to get to a cold tap. As a gentleman I let her use the bath.

But this isn’t like when I submerged my cock and balls in chilli oil. No, the viscous quality of the hot honey meant it was hell to clean off and kept tingling for up to 72 hours after. My partner? She’s left me.

ROMAN treasures are not the only things found on the HS2 route. These rudimentary artefacts of the Midlands peoples have also been unearthed.

Ceramic fluted gravy vessel

A chalice of great spiritual significance. People from the Midlands would drink straight from it, typically quaffing their holy elixir of warm diluted Bisto granules.

Flat tweed cloth cap

Protective headwear once thought to be connected to the skull of a Midlander. Used to keep out the harsh glare of permanently overcast skies.

Coin hoard valued at 10 pence

The largest collection of coins ever found in the Midlands area. Dating back to 1992, these were likely dropped accidentally by a Southerner passing through.

Dog racing betting slip

The preferred pastime of the Midlander. At the track, wives and children would be cheerfully gambled away in the hopes of winning two bob.

Clay pipe

Given its lightweight construction, this was probably used by a small boy. Upon entering adulthood, he would be gifted a heavier, wooden model.

Picture of factory in heart-shaped locket

The Midlands people loved nothing more than slouching off to work in their dreary factories, smoke billowing seductively from their tall chimneys. This piece of jewellery is a token of that affection.

Wedge of Buckinghamshire pie

Totally inedible slice of stewed rabbit and cheese encased in tough pastry. Used to keep the doors of their crude huts open.

Intellectual cup-and-ball puzzle

A contraption designed to test the sharpest Midlands minds. The string on the recovered one has been snapped out of frustration.

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